I Feel Angry Today...

I feel angry today.
I went to see Zane yesterday. Of course he's not there. Not really, anyway. His grave looks terrible. Firstly it looks terrible because it has his name on it, but it also looks terrible because the loose stones have become less and the grass forcing it's way onto the grave, more. I apologised to him and promised to sort it out. To be honest I don't think he really cares. But I do.

I feel angry because people tell me 'You have three other children to think about. You need to move on.' Some of the people that say this don't have any children. Not even a dead one.

I feel angry because at times the grief still overwhelms me and comes on suddenly and unexpectedly and I burst into tears sometimes at the most inopportune moments.

But then, I think this: Growth does not always come without pain, but always with reward.
And so - each day I learn and grow, and know that the reward will be for me to be a stronger, more insightful, sensitive person and to enjoy the greatness that life still has to offer.

Selfish grief

I've heard it said - 'You just have to trust that wherever you are, is where you are meant to be.'
I really hope that is true; that my obsessive watching of crime television, mindless games of mahjong on the laptop, ceiling staring and living in my dressing gown, is where I am meant to be.


I can't help but feel that I am being selfish in my grief, that I am allowing myself an indulgence of wound-licking when there are others who have suffered more, are suffering more and will suffer more, than me.
But this is my grief and it's relevant to me and my life, so I need to experience it.
Along with my grief, I feel for mothers who have lost their children, parents whose children have gone too soon, or brutally.


My heart goes out to them and when I say a prayer for me, I say a prayer for them too.

When The World Is Quiet

At night

When the world is quiet,

I sit alone

With my grief.

There is no mirror,

But we reflect each other.

My grief and me.

I sit alone

At night

When the world is quiet,

With my broken heart

And it’s missing pieces.

My chiselled soul

And my dead eyes stare

Back at me.

I sit alone

But I know out there somewhere

He’s watching me.

This crippling grief...

I wanted to go back in time. I wanted to say - on this day 3 years ago this is what was happening. But suddenly it became too hard. It's hard to get the words down when you're trying to fight the thoughts away. And maybe that is the problem here.

I believe that grief is solid. I believe that is is just there. Well, this grief in particular - the grief you suffer (and believe me you suffer) when your child dies. This is what I think; I love my children. It's a love that is there. It's not a love that can become more or less. It's there in it's entirety. Total and complete. And that's how I feel about this grief that I have for Zane. The grief is now there sitting alongside the love. The grief, also in it's entirety.

It was this day 3 years ago that I again got on a plane, this time to go to my eldest child, Zane Richard, after getting the call that he had had an accident on his motorbike. I had taken a notebook with me. An attractive black, narrow, leather note book that has the word Journal embossed in gold on the cover. I thought I would use this as his recovery journal, that when he was all well again, I could read to him what the journey had been like.

So on the plane, this is what I wrote;

6 November 2007
Tuesday
My Darling Zane-
How does one explain in words
the pain
and heartache a mother feels
when her child is suffering?
I keep seeing your
beautiful face
in my mind.
Please stay!
Please hang on!
Can you hear my voice
in your heart?
Can you feel
my love for you?
Zane, I love you so much!
Please hear me!
Hang on - I'm almost half-way there.
Can you feel how everyone is rooting for you?
The prayers that are being said
do you hear them?
Please, Zane!
Don't go!
We have so many
years ahead of us -
this family -
Stay!
Stay and be a part of it!
In my mind
I hear your voice.
"Mom" is what you say.
Please don't go.
Do you hear me calling
your name in my heart?
Zane.
Zane?
I'm on my way
Please wait for me
Hang on!
Hang on!
I hear your voice
in my heart.
"Mom"