I went to see Zane yesterday. Of course he's not there. Not really, anyway. His grave looks terrible. Firstly it looks terrible because it has his name on it, but it also looks terrible because the loose stones have become less and the grass forcing it's way onto the grave, more. I apologised to him and promised to sort it out. To be honest I don't think he really cares. But I do.
I feel angry because people tell me 'You have three other children to think about. You need to move on.' Some of the people that say this don't have any children. Not even a dead one.
I feel angry because at times the grief still overwhelms me and comes on suddenly and unexpectedly and I burst into tears sometimes at the most inopportune moments.
But then, I think this: Growth does not always come without pain, but always with reward.
And so - each day I learn and grow, and know that the reward will be for me to be a stronger, more insightful, sensitive person and to enjoy the greatness that life still has to offer.
Dear Nicola, to read this made me cry. It is such a conflict situation, moving forward and living in the present and looking to the future, without leaving behind a child who you love, and who no longer lives. My thoughts and compassion are with you all the time. Q x
ReplyDeleteThank you, Quirina. Your comments hit the nail on the head - this is exactly how I feel.
ReplyDeleteYour anger is understandable & necessary Nicola ~ & I suspect there will be much more to come. I think this is such a courageous posting &, like Quirina, it moved me to tears. I feel for you ... I wish I could ease the pain for you but we know that is impossible. And, as you so rightly say, with pain comes the possibility of growth. But, on this first day of spring, I also sense small seeds of hope in you &, with that thought, I shall write no more other than 'thank you' for sharing your thoughts & feelings.
ReplyDeleteIt's not all anger. I'm sure it's more. I feel for you as others do. Hope each day will be a better one from now on.
ReplyDeleteI often think about Zane and the good times we had in our school. Now that I have kids I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child. Please know that you are often in my thoughts and prayers, Nicky. And Zane will always have a special place in my heart.
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