Where have I been?
I wish I could say 'between the devil and the deep blue sea' or 'between a rock and a hard place.' Those would be easier places to be. Where have I been? Between an abyss and the infinite realms of darkness.
Of course, there is no preparation for this place - the Infinite Realms of Darkness. No. You think about it, you hear about it, but there is simply no way you can imagine it.
The 5 Stages of Grief. Ha. That's like implying they're stages to be set and performed on with an audience and applause.
The only sound I hear on this stage is the deafening silence of a voice with no sound. A voice I will never hear again. The lights went out. There was no applause.
And let me tell you - if one more person tells me 'He's in a better place', I will assault them. Do people really think I give a flying f**k where he is? No, I don't. All I care about right now is that he isn't here. And when I have woken up in the middle of the night, with the icy hands of grief tightening around my neck, gasping for breath, with images of my beautiful son wandering bewildered around a heartless cemetery, believe you me, I cannot possibly believe that there can be a better place for him to be, than in the arms of his mother.
I can't imagine your grief. It hurts to even try. My mother lost a son. She was the living dead for a couple of years. We are religious people and one time in the deepest blackest hole of her grief she said to me "what kind of God drops a kid on his head and makes him leave his mother?" I really had no answer for her.
ReplyDeleteShe had two other children to take care of and love, but that was hard, cause all she wanted was the boy that was taken from her.
It helped some time later in her grieving process when she thought of my brother in Heaven, she thought of the time before he grew in her womb and took his first breath of air.
At that time he waited patiently to join her so that he would become her son and they would become a family.
My (Our) Father in Heaven promised me (us) eternal life.
I can't wait to see my brother again.
And be a (whole-complete) family once more.
In the meantime, I have some living to do.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I wish you peace.
Thank you for your kind words and sharing your thoughts with me.
ReplyDeleteI have lost my daughter and its now going on for 20 years that she has passed on. The Pain is still there, some days when I miss her , I can almost smell her hair. She died when she was 11 due to cancer, I knew it was a matter of time. When she passed away , I went blank with grief. Days , Weeks even Months were blank. I was left with my 2 sons, and strange in that grief , I cooked , cleaned , I think I was a robot.
ReplyDelete*huge hugs* to you. Be Brave and you are in my prayers
Santana
Santana, thank you so much for sharing that with me. I relate so to that 'blankness'. There are times when I look back and don't have any recollection of events that occured after he died. It's only been 3 years.I can't stop wishing that he was still here, but I know I need to keep moving forward.
ReplyDeleteThank you again for taking the time to share your experience with me.