I went to see Zane yesterday. Of course he's not there. Not really, anyway. His grave looks terrible. Firstly it looks terrible because it has his name on it, but it also looks terrible because the loose stones have become less and the grass forcing it's way onto the grave, more. I apologised to him and promised to sort it out. To be honest I don't think he really cares. But I do.
I feel angry because people tell me 'You have three other children to think about. You need to move on.' Some of the people that say this don't have any children. Not even a dead one.
I feel angry because at times the grief still overwhelms me and comes on suddenly and unexpectedly and I burst into tears sometimes at the most inopportune moments.
But then, I think this: Growth does not always come without pain, but always with reward.
And so - each day I learn and grow, and know that the reward will be for me to be a stronger, more insightful, sensitive person and to enjoy the greatness that life still has to offer.
