This crippling grief...

I wanted to go back in time. I wanted to say - on this day 3 years ago this is what was happening. But suddenly it became too hard. It's hard to get the words down when you're trying to fight the thoughts away. And maybe that is the problem here.

I believe that grief is solid. I believe that is is just there. Well, this grief in particular - the grief you suffer (and believe me you suffer) when your child dies. This is what I think; I love my children. It's a love that is there. It's not a love that can become more or less. It's there in it's entirety. Total and complete. And that's how I feel about this grief that I have for Zane. The grief is now there sitting alongside the love. The grief, also in it's entirety.

It was this day 3 years ago that I again got on a plane, this time to go to my eldest child, Zane Richard, after getting the call that he had had an accident on his motorbike. I had taken a notebook with me. An attractive black, narrow, leather note book that has the word Journal embossed in gold on the cover. I thought I would use this as his recovery journal, that when he was all well again, I could read to him what the journey had been like.

So on the plane, this is what I wrote;

6 November 2007
Tuesday
My Darling Zane-
How does one explain in words
the pain
and heartache a mother feels
when her child is suffering?
I keep seeing your
beautiful face
in my mind.
Please stay!
Please hang on!
Can you hear my voice
in your heart?
Can you feel
my love for you?
Zane, I love you so much!
Please hear me!
Hang on - I'm almost half-way there.
Can you feel how everyone is rooting for you?
The prayers that are being said
do you hear them?
Please, Zane!
Don't go!
We have so many
years ahead of us -
this family -
Stay!
Stay and be a part of it!
In my mind
I hear your voice.
"Mom" is what you say.
Please don't go.
Do you hear me calling
your name in my heart?
Zane.
Zane?
I'm on my way
Please wait for me
Hang on!
Hang on!
I hear your voice
in my heart.
"Mom"