Three years.
He was gone before he died, actually. But while the machine forced him to breath, I could pretend he was there.
I have never seen the death certificate, I didn't look at the report of the post mortem.
I forget how tall he was and I'm not too sure how much he weighed. The details did not interest me.
I did not want to know.
I didn't go to the place where he had his accident, I did not go to his place of work.
I didn't see the motorbike.
I saw his empty room and his clothes waiting to be washed. I could still smell him. I could still hear his voice.
And I can mark the exact spot where I was when I knew he had left this earth, before they told me he was gone, I could feel the invisible twining from his spirit to mine, snap, ever so silently. And when it snapped, my heart shattered like a mirror crashing to the floor.
A heart still in pieces, some pieces still missing, pieces he took with him. And what is left, doesn't work too well anyway.
And because of that, I'm not too sure about who I am now.
You're a brave and strong woman who is still, quite reasonably, grieving for her beloved, beautiful son.
ReplyDeleteI send much love to you, my friend.
wow, beautifully put - brought tears to my eyes, and an ache to my heart. I don't know what to say beyond wishing you all the best ...
ReplyDelete(fwiw, brought here by @ckingwriter on twitter)
What a thing to go through - and very brave of you to share it. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this with us, you are very brave. Sending hugs to you, love x
ReplyDeleteBreathe. To know that you are alive. Three sons' spirits are pulling at yours and they are busy mending your heart. In time, much time, light will shine through where the missing pieces used to be. Zane will live. In memories and in hearts. Because we love you Nicola.
ReplyDeleteSuch a sorrowful thing. A parent just should not lose a child...
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking about you so much lately. I still have such vivid pictures of that beautiful, blonde boy with the cute, mischieveous smile. He will always have a special place in my heart. I miss him too.
ReplyDeleteLotsa love and hugs
Kerry
Who you are, still and always, is Zane's mother. A beautiful and sorrow-full thing for you to be, and you've written about it with such honesty and tenderness that you are making me snivel. Grief, as you said in your last post, is a solid thing, a thing with roots....
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments and kind words of support. It's amazing how the support of friends, and even strangers helps a heavy burden become that little bit easier to bear. xx
ReplyDeleteI have just read this entire blog and I can't put in to words how I feel. I'm so sorry for your loss, it's so dreadful for a mother to lose a child. You have written about it beautifully and I hope that writing about it helps you. xoxox
ReplyDelete