It was eighteen minutes past six when you arrived. A crisp morning at the end of winter.
You didn't arrive kicking and screaming. It was quiet chaos. In hushed urgency the doctors and nurses resuscitated you. You made it. Then. In the end there was no chaos, just a quiet ending.
I miss you everyday, but especially today. I have to try not to think too much about the 'ifs and buts'. Lord knows I've fought hard to hang onto the last few shreds of sanity I still have, but sometimes, like unpleasant, unexpected guests, they do arrive and then I wonder - what if you were still alive? Where would you be in your life? And I wonder, what if you were here now.... I have to stop myself.
I talk to you. All the time. I remind you that you're still the eldest and need to keep an eye out for your brothers. I know you hear me.
I love you.
Mom.
Showing posts with label birthdays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthdays. Show all posts
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Saturday, November 6, 2010
My father didn't remember
My father didn't remember firing the maid.
He was suprised when he got home after being in the hospital and found the maid was gone.
Over the years there were other things he didn't remember either. Like my 21st.
He did remember some other birthdays - like my 6th - okay - he was still at home then, so he probably had my mother to remind him. I loved that card. It was a big red apple with a bright green worm and it said To the apple of my eye. Which I had been until my mother cut my long, knotted hair and I went all rebellious at 9 and nicked some useless stuff from that damn stationary shop.
He forgot to give my eldest sister, Janine, R10 when she completed the Rubik's cube, like he said he would. Of course he didn't believe she would, but she did.
He forgot that by the time my parents got to the divorce lawyers, my mother had already given him plenty chances to improve on his family man status, but he only ever remembered that very last chance in the lawyers office when she said no more chances.
Perhaps I should've been more forgetful. It might have been easier for both of us had I forgotten when he didn't phone for my 21st. Or my 18th. Or my 16th. Many birthdays. I should have forgotten when he didn't keep his word, I should have forgotten when he became unreasonably irritated, I should have forgotten when he wasn't there for me.
He was suprised when he got home after being in the hospital and found the maid was gone.
Over the years there were other things he didn't remember either. Like my 21st.
He did remember some other birthdays - like my 6th - okay - he was still at home then, so he probably had my mother to remind him. I loved that card. It was a big red apple with a bright green worm and it said To the apple of my eye. Which I had been until my mother cut my long, knotted hair and I went all rebellious at 9 and nicked some useless stuff from that damn stationary shop.
He forgot to give my eldest sister, Janine, R10 when she completed the Rubik's cube, like he said he would. Of course he didn't believe she would, but she did.
He forgot that by the time my parents got to the divorce lawyers, my mother had already given him plenty chances to improve on his family man status, but he only ever remembered that very last chance in the lawyers office when she said no more chances.
Perhaps I should've been more forgetful. It might have been easier for both of us had I forgotten when he didn't phone for my 21st. Or my 18th. Or my 16th. Many birthdays. I should have forgotten when he didn't keep his word, I should have forgotten when he became unreasonably irritated, I should have forgotten when he wasn't there for me.
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